A Few Reasons Being Seen is Hard for Survivors

Being visible can be a struggle for a lot of people, not solely survivors of sexual abuse and assault. However, some obstacles can arise specifically for survivors that make being seen challenging, whether it’s opening up to loved ones or trying to put yourself out there more widely. 

 Understanding why being seen is difficult can help you continue moving toward your goals, whether having closer relationships, creating a more significant impact in the world, or both!

1- Messages given during the abuse

Most survivors were given explicit or implicit commands about staying quiet. Being told, threatened, or humiliated to keep someone else’s secret has a lasting impact that can make being seen incredibly difficult.  

2- Difficulties with self-worth 

Enduring an experience where someone treats you as worthless makes it challenging to find your innate worthiness. Working through shame and building your worth from the ground up helps build the courage to be seen and play bigger. Remember- you have to believe you have something to offer in order to find the courage to offer it. 

3- Feelings of fear & terror 

Sexual assault is a life-threatening experience that is paired with hiding and secrecy. Staying in hiding provides a false sense of safety. Speaking up and being seen can push a triggering button that reawakens past feelings of fear and terror. Try to remember that the situation is not objectively dangerous, even though your feelings are valid and make sense, given what you’ve endured. 

 

What to do about it: 

Identify the messages you were given

Understanding the messages you were given, directly or indirectly, is helpful in understanding your roadblocks so you can work on combating false messaging.

Not everyone experienced explicit threats to stay quiet. Sometimes, the expectation was made implicitly or through tactics like humiliation.  

Manage fear and terror

Remember that being seen is not objectively dangerous! Holding space for the reality that you are not in danger is helpful in tolerating the situation.

Compassion for your emotions. Feelings of fear, embarrassment, humiliation, and terror are all normal responses to trauma, even if they arise in the present, non-traumatizing moment. Hold these emotions with compassion; they are trying to protect you, even if they are uncomfortable.

One helpful nugget I learned from Jon Kabat-Zinn is repeating this to yourself: “Thank you, brain, for protecting me. I’m ok now.”

 Keep working through that shame

The more you speak up, the more you give yourself the feedback that you and your experiences are not anything to be ashamed of, that you can tolerate being seen, that you can be seen and be safe. Keep going! The more you do, the easier it becomes.

Prepare yourself for the emotions that typically arise

Preparing yourself for the emotions that typically arise when you show up (fear, sadness, embarrassment) will help you feel more in control in the moment. Set up grounding activities before or after you step out of your comfort zone—a walk, yoga, meditation, or spending time with a loved one. Try to remember that it will get easier over time.

You are not meant to stay small

You are not meant to live a life in reaction to someone else’s actions. You are not in charge of keeping someone else’s secret. You are not meant to play small because of something someone did to you. Their shame is not your shame. Their badness is not your badness.

One step at a time!

One step at a time. Open yourself up to people you trust, and then do it again. And again. And again.

Keep going. You got this.