The birth of The Beez-Ness

I’ve been a psychologist for some time now. I guess I’m not that young anymore. Sigh.   

I’ve spent countless hours listening to people talk about everything and anything under the sun. And in that time, I’ve noticed patterns, hearing the same concerns again and again. Concerns that aren’t listed neatly in a diagnosis or a treatment manual.

At the root of it, are questions like: 

“How do I feel worthy?” 

“How do I learn to love myself?” 

“How do I stop making the same mistakes in relationships?” 

“How can I find more joy, connection and meaning in my life?”

“How do I stop living in a trauma response?”

Seeing this commonality in our complicated, human experience, lit a fire under my ass. It made me want to talk through these ideas in a bigger picture way. 

And it’s probably also because, these are very questions that plagued me over the years.  I’ve dug myself out of a hole of self loathing, working tirelessly to create habits of self-care, which led to self-respect, and then…self-love. The unconditional kind.    

I think the question—how do I learn to love myself?–is a puzzling one. What do I actually do to make this happen? How do I change my self-deprecating thoughts? How do I stop treating myself poorly?

For those of you lucky enough to learn self-love from your early attachment figures, maybe this piece has come easily.

But for many  of us, it’s more complicated.

Maybe you didn’t have secure attachments in childhood. Maybe you were abused. Maybe you had the most amazing mother, but she died when you were young. Maybe you made it through early childhood feeling secure, but then you were cheated on, or bullied, or dumped, or found yourself in a toxic adult relationship that corroded your sense of security, self-worth, and self-love. 

Feeling unworthy can be deep and pervasive. It can color every decision you make, whether it’s applying for a job, going on a date, or texting a friend. It keeps you contained, believing you don’t deserve to go for the things you want because you are unworthy of them.

I’ve been there. It’s painful. It’s so damn limiting! It feels never ending. I’m not saying I have all the answers. I don’t. But I want to be a force in the direction of freedom. Freedom from whatever fucked up thing happened in the past that keeps you held back. 

 By sitting in the chair across from people day in and day out, and in my own healing journey toward a truly joyful life, I’ve learned a lot. I’m not talking about toxic positivity or being happy all the time. I’m talking about living wholly, no longer being disjointed. Having the whole range of human emotions. Being alive! Not living like a dissociated zombie, simply putting one foot in front of the other. Not being ruled by your past or your trauma.    

We talk so much about survival in the context of trauma. About post-traumatic growth, even. But what about joy after trauma? What about living fully, wholly, creatively, and boldly? I believe the path to doing this is through art, stories, and connection. It’s about opening up and talking to each other.  

So, in short, I want to create a corner of the internet that holds two truths at once—we can endure trauma, hardship, pain, betrayal, and also be joyful, self-loving MF’ers! We can talk about, we can share our stories, we can lift each other up. And in doing so, we can be our biggest, boldest, baddest, selves.